Lost

No one likes to be around an emotional train wreck, but today I can't stop crying. I want someone to hold me, but there is no one. This isn't a job for my girls.

Valentine's Day

It didn't bother me, except for all the teens crying about being 'alone' for 16 or 17 years. Oh good grief! What a bunch of babies! It's just another day!

I invited someone to my house. We had a previous relationship as "Raymond's Friend" and "Raymond's Wife". I knew what I was doing, (mostly), but he tried to keep all the guilt. The girls were out celebrating Moon's birthday late into the night, so the house was empty. He came over for dinner and a DVD. I picked an action movie, and we started watching. About half-way through, I leaned on his shoulder...

I'm not sorry, but I am. I wanted to date, and this gentleman was reasonably safe. That very safety is the problem. I was too comfortable with him, and that happened.

There is a bio-chemical reaction that takes place within the brains of people having sex. It's even recorded in the Bible. Ephesians 5 tells men three times to love their wives, but never tells the women to love. It tells the women to have respect. Why? Finally, medical science caught up to God's Word and discovered that when men have sex, they feel protective, but not loving. Some demonstrate this protectiveness by attempting ownership of the woman. Others simply hurt if the woman doesn't accept the protection. The last few decades, women have been taught that they don't need protection, so this study is not politically correct. Women, on the other hand feel either love or hate after sex. (The only time I ever felt the hate was after I was raped.) I love. I liked Rudy before Tuesday night, but now... Dang it! I'm in love. It will fade with time, but right now, it feels awful.

It feels awful, because we decided that it was too soon. My timing was off, and I had meant to stop it, to go so far and no further. For a variety of reasons, we needed to wait a couple of months, but I let it happen. He let it happen. Now, we are distracted at the very time we need to stay focused on other responsibilities. He's feeling all protective of me, and I can't respond the way I want to respond. The girls know that we are developing a closeness, but unless Moon's perceptions are on overdrive, she doesn't really know anything. She did seem panicked when I suggested that I might like to date men. Agent Em, on the other hand, told me it was OK, as long as they are nice to me.

The only time I cheated on my husband was in my own mind. I fantasized about people, and even let my heart and mind run away with me about certain others, but I never physically had sex with a man not my husband. This man was often around, but I hardly considered him a threat to our marriage. He was "Raymond's Friend", and after simple greetings, they always went off to do 'man things' together. You would think their friendship, I would have felt some kind of weirdness or guilt about Tuesday night, but I didn't. The only thing I felt was the betrayal of my own self-discipline, and how I may have placed a stumbling block in my friend's path to his own short-term goals.

This sounds like a soap opera, and I sound like a drama queen. Maybe so, but I think I was like this before I married, too. I simply never told anyone. I wrote poetry instead.

Today Was Tough

Obviously, I didn't have the perfect marriage. It was comfortable, and I saw myself in it until one of us died. I certainly didn't expect what happened.

What does that have to do with today? A man close to where I live had been Raymond's friend for a couple of years. He started riding with me to fellowship, so I called he this morning to encourage him to take the class our ministry offers. It will be starting next month. He didn't answer his phone, but he did call back a couple of hours later.

We talked for 45 minutes. He told me about a woman who had been 'bothering' him. He wants her to go away, and he asked for advice. I gave it to him. I spoke the Word to him. I told him again to register for this class on the Bible. That wasn't the difficult part.

The difficult part was my libido. I'm single now, and I've been without for a long time. :(

Don't Know What

Monday, after the final divorce decree, I went online to a social site where I knew I could meet people. By "people" I mean "men". I friended a few of them, and fielded a couple of assholes and predators. I meet maybe three nice guys and started talking to them. This was not any X-rated stuff, just friendly talking with someone of the opposite gender who claimed to be unmarried. To me, it is a safe place to practice flirting again. One seemed particularly interesting, but then he did that thing that I hate! He made me feel guilty.

That is what Raymond used to do. It was how he controlled me and made me do things against my better judgement. Make me feel guilty, and I'll cave.

Ack! Is this a personality type that will confront me forever?

Packed two boxes today

I'm just not enthused. We have a terrible cold snap all through the mid-continent. The Winter Garden will be getting snow. That's what they call it here, because it's so warm that farmers grow crops in the wintertime. While cleaning out the shed to find things to sell, I found come pipe insulation. While it was still warm, I wrapped the exposed pipes. So far, so good! We still have water. One more sub-freezing night and we should be done. Most of Texas is enduring rolling blackouts to prevent the power grid from failing. I expect school to close tomorrow because it is supposed to snow tonight. I believe that the last there was measurable snow here was in 1988.

Why Won't Winter Let Go?

We seldom have a freeze, but now we have 40% chance of snow. It may get down to 11F, according to NOAA. Already, Dallas is closed.