Not feeling so great. Sad and frustrated. My dad wants me to hire a lawyer to figure it out the house sale and the mess between the county and the state. I don't know what to do. It just seems like an impossible tangle. I'm glad I decided to sell, because if I were under the pressure of time and necessity, I'd really be hysterical about it. We do have a time limit, but God can deal with it. The buyers are getting married today, and his loan qualification ends on the 18th. It would be best if we can resolve this before then.
Rudy, bless his heart, wants to be my big brother. (We nixed any hint of romance, because we make better friends.) I think he would consider harming some of the guys I've met lately. He tells me that I am beautiful, and should have no problem finding guys. So why do I?
1. Married guys on the prowl stink. I've drop kicked two of those.
2. Some guys just want a piece of ass.
3. Some guys just want money.
4. If a guy is over 45 and never married, there is a dang good reason for it!
Life sucks right now.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Still Alive
I have another date on Wednesday. We decided to meet for lunch. Guess I'll have to post on Thursday. Got me a portable Internet device. It works OK, as long as we are away from Somerset.
I had a dear friend. She was always cheerful and spoke positively of life.
She died Friday afternoon. We're having a memorial service for her tomorrow. Selling the house, moving, cleaning, crying, soothing the girls, dealing with legal issues: it's all jumbled up in my brain, and I don't know how to act.
1 Thessolonians 5:13-18
I had a dear friend. She was always cheerful and spoke positively of life.
She died Friday afternoon. We're having a memorial service for her tomorrow. Selling the house, moving, cleaning, crying, soothing the girls, dealing with legal issues: it's all jumbled up in my brain, and I don't know how to act.
1 Thessolonians 5:13-18
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Difference in Love
Eros is often bashed by Christians who don't understand that it is also romantic love. Romance is often pleasant and covers a wide variety of behaviors. It's not just sex, but usually leads to it. It is infatuation and being 'in love'.
Agape is the love of God in the renewed mind in manifestation. It knows no boundaries, and is completely and utterly unselfish.
Phileo is the love of friendship or brotherly love.
I had agape for someone because he needed the Word. I developed phileo for him as we talked and shared the Word together. Unfortunately, I think I am also in love. I have all the symptoms, even to the point of feeling distress when I don't get to see him. It seems to be unrequited.
I am old enough to deal with this, but I still don't like it! He might change where he goes to fellowship, and that could help. I'm sorry it happened this way. I needed his calm.
Agape is the love of God in the renewed mind in manifestation. It knows no boundaries, and is completely and utterly unselfish.
Phileo is the love of friendship or brotherly love.
I had agape for someone because he needed the Word. I developed phileo for him as we talked and shared the Word together. Unfortunately, I think I am also in love. I have all the symptoms, even to the point of feeling distress when I don't get to see him. It seems to be unrequited.
I am old enough to deal with this, but I still don't like it! He might change where he goes to fellowship, and that could help. I'm sorry it happened this way. I needed his calm.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Plans and Happenstance
Rudy was supposed to come over last night, but he let it slip him mind. I called him and insisted that he come. I needed to talk to him face to face. Stress causes confusion, and I have a lot of both. We talked for hours. He doesn't want to hurt me, because he's not sure I'm right for him, and he's wondering if I'll get bored and leave. He thinks too much. That, however, is one of his charms. If possible, he is the exact opposite of Raymond. He is dependable, steady, predictable, and deep. Raymond was as substantial and as permanent as the prairie wind. It almost always blows, but the direction continually changes.
One of my strongest characteristics is loyalty. In 1998, right after Agent Em was born, Raymond and I had an argument about the usual: paying bills. He had came home with another 12-pack and a roll of chew, but utilities were in arrears. It frustrated me! Before stalking off to work, he adjusted the kerosene heater and put a 10-gallon pot of water on it. When I'm angry, I clean. Moon was 4, so I had her get the trash. She decided to put the can on her head and walk blind -- right into the pot of boiling water!
According to the ER, I did everything right to save her and to get her to the hospital, but the poor dear had to be put on morphine and kept for a couple of days. On the second night, exhausted me was sent home and Raymond was to stay overnight in her hospital room. What happened next is a mystery, because it makes no sense, and Raymond would not and will not clarify. He 'went to the bathroom', which is in the same room. Somehow, he missed Moon crying. He missed her calling for someone to help her get to the bathroom. He missed her pulling the IV tubing until it broke. He missed her tearing the IV out of her arm. How?
Our minister advised me to divorce him then. I couldn't. I saw the good in him, and believed that he could return to it. He was put on probation with our ministry, and eventually became better and welcomed back -- until recently, which story is public here, on my page on Live Journal, and at the SA Express News web site.
I told this story to Rudy to demonstrate the duel nature of my ex and his former friend, and to give an example of my loyalty index. Loyalty is important to him. Afterwards, he asked the girls and me to move into his house after the sale of mine is final. He insisted that it not be as a lover, but as a friend who needed help moving. I'm going to think about it.
One of my strongest characteristics is loyalty. In 1998, right after Agent Em was born, Raymond and I had an argument about the usual: paying bills. He had came home with another 12-pack and a roll of chew, but utilities were in arrears. It frustrated me! Before stalking off to work, he adjusted the kerosene heater and put a 10-gallon pot of water on it. When I'm angry, I clean. Moon was 4, so I had her get the trash. She decided to put the can on her head and walk blind -- right into the pot of boiling water!
According to the ER, I did everything right to save her and to get her to the hospital, but the poor dear had to be put on morphine and kept for a couple of days. On the second night, exhausted me was sent home and Raymond was to stay overnight in her hospital room. What happened next is a mystery, because it makes no sense, and Raymond would not and will not clarify. He 'went to the bathroom', which is in the same room. Somehow, he missed Moon crying. He missed her calling for someone to help her get to the bathroom. He missed her pulling the IV tubing until it broke. He missed her tearing the IV out of her arm. How?
Our minister advised me to divorce him then. I couldn't. I saw the good in him, and believed that he could return to it. He was put on probation with our ministry, and eventually became better and welcomed back -- until recently, which story is public here, on my page on Live Journal, and at the SA Express News web site.
I told this story to Rudy to demonstrate the duel nature of my ex and his former friend, and to give an example of my loyalty index. Loyalty is important to him. Afterwards, he asked the girls and me to move into his house after the sale of mine is final. He insisted that it not be as a lover, but as a friend who needed help moving. I'm going to think about it.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Friends
After I assured Roger that I wasn't angry with him, he asked if we could remain just friends. Fine my me. I'm still a Christian, and if he wants to hear the Word, he can stick around. What I like about Rudy is that we excitedly discuss the Word, and we don't let personal problems separate us from God.
Interesting thing happened yesterday. Roger recognized a picture of Raymond and started swearing. He called him a rat-assed bastard and a drunk. Wow. I didn't expect that. Obviously, they had met. They were both truckers and bikers, so it's not that far-fetched. I thought Raymond got along with everyone. He had been telling me that all the problems in our relationship were my fault, and I had believed it. Things are changing.
I feel younger and happier than I have in years.
Interesting thing happened yesterday. Roger recognized a picture of Raymond and started swearing. He called him a rat-assed bastard and a drunk. Wow. I didn't expect that. Obviously, they had met. They were both truckers and bikers, so it's not that far-fetched. I thought Raymond got along with everyone. He had been telling me that all the problems in our relationship were my fault, and I had believed it. Things are changing.
I feel younger and happier than I have in years.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Out With the New, In With the Old
Roger got the boot. Rudy says he is fine with an arrangement, so we plan to have dinner at my house once a week. Girls will be at karate.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Can I Make This Dry and Boring?
Warning, this is not the kind of thing that nice Christian ladies discuss. I was going to title it "Sex", but decided that I didn't want a thousand hits. I'm pretty sure that only one person reads this, and sex between consenting adults is not illegal. I have tremendous drive in this area, so stop reading if this bothers you. I talked for a long time with Jeremy last night. One thing about our former relationship, is that it has granted us a particular closeness, and we can discuss anything. He was amused when I told him about it.
Then Roger called. He is an Aries who lives in San Antonio, but I met him online in a place where people my age meet. Roger is a disgusting low-life without a moral compass, but he is very good at this hobby of his. He and I have been talking about sex for awhile, then yesterday, I met him for lunch and got a tour of the back of his semi. He was amused that I talked about him to a 20-something. Men are so easily entertained.
I sound like a jaded bitch. In some ways, I am. I know what sex is. It's not dirty and it doesn't send a person to hell. It's a physical act that satisfies a craving. It was meant to bring a husband and a wife closer together. (Procreation is a wonderful by-product of sex.) It can be wrong in two instances: adultery (when one is married to someone else) and fornication (religious or ritualistic sex). That leaves a lot of room for a lot of sex. I'm free of the bond of marriage. The problem arises with the biochemical part of sex. Women 'fall in love' with their partners. I'm not in love with Roger. I'm still in love with Rudy. That's OK. Rudy is my brother in Christ. I will love him in some form forever. If he wants to continue with the romance after he finishes his class, I would welcome that. If not, my heart will heal, and I'll love him as a brother. Roger was just an experiment to remove pressure and stress.
Eventually, I may marry again. Rudy would be a good husband, but I won't marry until Agent Em finishes high school in 2016. That's a long time to to wait.
Then Roger called. He is an Aries who lives in San Antonio, but I met him online in a place where people my age meet. Roger is a disgusting low-life without a moral compass, but he is very good at this hobby of his. He and I have been talking about sex for awhile, then yesterday, I met him for lunch and got a tour of the back of his semi. He was amused that I talked about him to a 20-something. Men are so easily entertained.
I sound like a jaded bitch. In some ways, I am. I know what sex is. It's not dirty and it doesn't send a person to hell. It's a physical act that satisfies a craving. It was meant to bring a husband and a wife closer together. (Procreation is a wonderful by-product of sex.) It can be wrong in two instances: adultery (when one is married to someone else) and fornication (religious or ritualistic sex). That leaves a lot of room for a lot of sex. I'm free of the bond of marriage. The problem arises with the biochemical part of sex. Women 'fall in love' with their partners. I'm not in love with Roger. I'm still in love with Rudy. That's OK. Rudy is my brother in Christ. I will love him in some form forever. If he wants to continue with the romance after he finishes his class, I would welcome that. If not, my heart will heal, and I'll love him as a brother. Roger was just an experiment to remove pressure and stress.
Eventually, I may marry again. Rudy would be a good husband, but I won't marry until Agent Em finishes high school in 2016. That's a long time to to wait.
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