Plans and Happenstance

Rudy was supposed to come over last night, but he let it slip him mind. I called him and insisted that he come. I needed to talk to him face to face. Stress causes confusion, and I have a lot of both. We talked for hours. He doesn't want to hurt me, because he's not sure I'm right for him, and he's wondering if I'll get bored and leave. He thinks too much. That, however, is one of his charms. If possible, he is the exact opposite of Raymond. He is dependable, steady, predictable, and deep. Raymond was as substantial and as permanent as the prairie wind. It almost always blows, but the direction continually changes.

One of my strongest characteristics is loyalty. In 1998, right after Agent Em was born, Raymond and I had an argument about the usual: paying bills. He had came home with another 12-pack and a roll of chew, but utilities were in arrears. It frustrated me! Before stalking off to work, he adjusted the kerosene heater and put a 10-gallon pot of water on it. When I'm angry, I clean. Moon was 4, so I had her get the trash. She decided to put the can on her head and walk blind -- right into the pot of boiling water!

According to the ER, I did everything right to save her and to get her to the hospital, but the poor dear had to be put on morphine and kept for a couple of days. On the second night, exhausted me was sent home and Raymond was to stay overnight in her hospital room. What happened next is a mystery, because it makes no sense, and Raymond would not and will not clarify. He 'went to the bathroom', which is in the same room. Somehow, he missed Moon crying. He missed her calling for someone to help her get to the bathroom. He missed her pulling the IV tubing until it broke. He missed her tearing the IV out of her arm. How?

Our minister advised me to divorce him then. I couldn't. I saw the good in him, and believed that he could return to it. He was put on probation with our ministry, and eventually became better and welcomed back -- until recently, which story is public here, on my page on Live Journal, and at the SA Express News web site.

I told this story to Rudy to demonstrate the duel nature of my ex and his former friend, and to give an example of my loyalty index. Loyalty is important to him. Afterwards, he asked the girls and me to move into his house after the sale of mine is final. He insisted that it not be as a lover, but as a friend who needed help moving. I'm going to think about it.

Friends

After I assured Roger that I wasn't angry with him, he asked if we could remain just friends. Fine my me. I'm still a Christian, and if he wants to hear the Word, he can stick around. What I like about Rudy is that we excitedly discuss the Word, and we don't let personal problems separate us from God.

Interesting thing happened yesterday. Roger recognized a picture of Raymond and started swearing. He called him a rat-assed bastard and a drunk. Wow. I didn't expect that. Obviously, they had met. They were both truckers and bikers, so it's not that far-fetched. I thought Raymond got along with everyone. He had been telling me that all the problems in our relationship were my fault, and I had believed it. Things are changing.

I feel younger and happier than I have in years.

Out With the New, In With the Old

Roger got the boot. Rudy says he is fine with an arrangement, so we plan to have dinner at my house once a week. Girls will be at karate.

Can I Make This Dry and Boring?

Warning, this is not the kind of thing that nice Christian ladies discuss. I was going to title it "Sex", but decided that I didn't want a thousand hits. I'm pretty sure that only one person reads this, and sex between consenting adults is not illegal. I have tremendous drive in this area, so stop reading if this bothers you. I talked for a long time with Jeremy last night. One thing about our former relationship, is that it has granted us a particular closeness, and we can discuss anything. He was amused when I told him about it.

Then Roger called. He is an Aries who lives in San Antonio, but I met him online in a place where people my age meet. Roger is a disgusting low-life without a moral compass, but he is very good at this hobby of his. He and I have been talking about sex for awhile, then yesterday, I met him for lunch and got a tour of the back of his semi. He was amused that I talked about him to a 20-something. Men are so easily entertained.

I sound like a jaded bitch. In some ways, I am. I know what sex is. It's not dirty and it doesn't send a person to hell. It's a physical act that satisfies a craving. It was meant to bring a husband and a wife closer together. (Procreation is a wonderful by-product of sex.) It can be wrong in two instances: adultery (when one is married to someone else) and fornication (religious or ritualistic sex). That leaves a lot of room for a lot of sex. I'm free of the bond of marriage. The problem arises with the biochemical part of sex. Women 'fall in love' with their partners. I'm not in love with Roger. I'm still in love with Rudy. That's OK. Rudy is my brother in Christ. I will love him in some form forever. If he wants to continue with the romance after he finishes his class, I would welcome that. If not, my heart will heal, and I'll love him as a brother. Roger was just an experiment to remove pressure and stress.

Eventually, I may marry again. Rudy would be a good husband, but I won't marry until Agent Em finishes high school in 2016. That's a long time to to wait.

Lost

No one likes to be around an emotional train wreck, but today I can't stop crying. I want someone to hold me, but there is no one. This isn't a job for my girls.

Valentine's Day

It didn't bother me, except for all the teens crying about being 'alone' for 16 or 17 years. Oh good grief! What a bunch of babies! It's just another day!

I invited someone to my house. We had a previous relationship as "Raymond's Friend" and "Raymond's Wife". I knew what I was doing, (mostly), but he tried to keep all the guilt. The girls were out celebrating Moon's birthday late into the night, so the house was empty. He came over for dinner and a DVD. I picked an action movie, and we started watching. About half-way through, I leaned on his shoulder...

I'm not sorry, but I am. I wanted to date, and this gentleman was reasonably safe. That very safety is the problem. I was too comfortable with him, and that happened.

There is a bio-chemical reaction that takes place within the brains of people having sex. It's even recorded in the Bible. Ephesians 5 tells men three times to love their wives, but never tells the women to love. It tells the women to have respect. Why? Finally, medical science caught up to God's Word and discovered that when men have sex, they feel protective, but not loving. Some demonstrate this protectiveness by attempting ownership of the woman. Others simply hurt if the woman doesn't accept the protection. The last few decades, women have been taught that they don't need protection, so this study is not politically correct. Women, on the other hand feel either love or hate after sex. (The only time I ever felt the hate was after I was raped.) I love. I liked Rudy before Tuesday night, but now... Dang it! I'm in love. It will fade with time, but right now, it feels awful.

It feels awful, because we decided that it was too soon. My timing was off, and I had meant to stop it, to go so far and no further. For a variety of reasons, we needed to wait a couple of months, but I let it happen. He let it happen. Now, we are distracted at the very time we need to stay focused on other responsibilities. He's feeling all protective of me, and I can't respond the way I want to respond. The girls know that we are developing a closeness, but unless Moon's perceptions are on overdrive, she doesn't really know anything. She did seem panicked when I suggested that I might like to date men. Agent Em, on the other hand, told me it was OK, as long as they are nice to me.

The only time I cheated on my husband was in my own mind. I fantasized about people, and even let my heart and mind run away with me about certain others, but I never physically had sex with a man not my husband. This man was often around, but I hardly considered him a threat to our marriage. He was "Raymond's Friend", and after simple greetings, they always went off to do 'man things' together. You would think their friendship, I would have felt some kind of weirdness or guilt about Tuesday night, but I didn't. The only thing I felt was the betrayal of my own self-discipline, and how I may have placed a stumbling block in my friend's path to his own short-term goals.

This sounds like a soap opera, and I sound like a drama queen. Maybe so, but I think I was like this before I married, too. I simply never told anyone. I wrote poetry instead.

Today Was Tough

Obviously, I didn't have the perfect marriage. It was comfortable, and I saw myself in it until one of us died. I certainly didn't expect what happened.

What does that have to do with today? A man close to where I live had been Raymond's friend for a couple of years. He started riding with me to fellowship, so I called he this morning to encourage him to take the class our ministry offers. It will be starting next month. He didn't answer his phone, but he did call back a couple of hours later.

We talked for 45 minutes. He told me about a woman who had been 'bothering' him. He wants her to go away, and he asked for advice. I gave it to him. I spoke the Word to him. I told him again to register for this class on the Bible. That wasn't the difficult part.

The difficult part was my libido. I'm single now, and I've been without for a long time. :(